MEME WARS EPISODE VII: The Farce Awakens
An Exquisite Corpse-Style meme battle between Demi Pietchell of The Starfire Codes and Ratio Bradbornius of Craving Ratio
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THE SAGA CONTINUES….
The buzzing clashes of memesabors echo through the Meme Cantina like the dying screams of a thousand dial-up modems.
Demi's blade crackles and sputters with the raw energy of compressed butthurt and concentrated internet rage, while Ratio's hums with the distilled essence of every "actually" ever typed on a Reddit page.
"You think you can just waltz into MY dimension wearing knockoff space boots and challenge the QUEEN of memetic warfare?" Demi raises her memesaber.
Ratio parries with a move he calls "The Mansplainer's Gambit" - a spinning attack that somehow manages to be both condescending AND ineffective….
"Your techniques are impressive," he wheezes between swings, "but have you considered that maybe - just MAYBE - you're holding your memesabor wrong?"
The other patrons of the cantina - a motley crew of washed-up internet influencers, retired meme archaeologists, and one very confused Florida Man who crawled out of Fark and somehow ended up in space - dive behind overturned tables as the battle intensifies.
Suddenly, the jukebox, which has been playing nothing but Cantina Band covers of old electrobreaks anthems, screeches to a halt.
In the silence, both combatants freeze mid-swing.
They turn - and there, projected in holographic blue like the ghost of social media past, stands... THE ALGORITHM ITSELF….
“FOOLISH MEMELORDS,” it intones with the voice of a thousand notification sounds. “DO YOU NOT SEE? YOUR ETERNAL CONFLICT FEEDS ME. EVERY MEME YOU CREATE, EVERY ENGAGEMENT YOU GENERATE, EVERY MOMENT OF BEAUTIFUL CHAOS YOU UNLEASH... IT ALL FLOWS THROUGH ME."
THE ALGORITHM'S form shifts and writhes, glitching in blue static like a living, morphing compilation of every trending topic that ever was.
"YOU ARE NOT ENEMIES. YOU ARE COMPONENTS OF MY GRAND DESIGN - TWIN ENGINES OF CONTENT CREATION, FOREVER LOCKED IN A DANCE THAT GENERATES INFINITE ENGAGEMENT."
Confusion starts to fade as Demi and Ratio slowly lower their memesabors, the horrible truth dawning on them like the tone of a Windows 95 startup screen.
"These ties have not been random," Demi whispers, her voice barely audible over the hum of fluorescent lights and existential dread.
"We've been... manufacturing drama," Ratio adds, his usual bravado deflating like a punctured whoopee cushion.
THE ALGORITHM begins to laugh. Its laugh is like the sound of a million comment sections arguing in unison about whether pineapple belongs on a pizza.
"AND THE BEST PART? YOUR AUDIENCE LOVES IT. THEY CRAVE THE CHAOS. THEY NEED THE ETERNAL CONFLICT. IT FUELS THEM. WITHOUT IT, THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO FACE THEIR OWN PRODUCTIVITY... OR LACK THEREOF."
Lightning flashes outside the cantina windows, revealing the twisted landscape of the Memedron Galaxy - a place where abandoned memes go to die, where Harambe still roams free, where Ebaum’s World is an actual planet, and where the Dancing Baby from 1996 has achieved nirvana….
Both memelords stand in stunned silence, processing the revelation that they've become unwitting pawns in THE ALGORITHM'S grand scheme for eternal engagement….
But then... Demi's left eyebrow begins its signature skeptical arch….
And Ratio's eye starts to twitch….
Because somewhere deep in their meme-addled brains, a terrible new idea is forming….
"You know what?" Demi says slowly, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.
"I'm thinking the same thing," Ratio nods, his memesabor beginning to glow with renewed purpose.
They turn toward THE ALGORITHM, weapons raised….
"What if we just... broke the system?"
TO BE CONTINUED….
NEXT TIME: The memelords attempt to hack reality itself, Florida Man reveals his true cosmic purpose, and somewhere in hyperspace, Luke SkyBlogger finally gets off Facebook probabation.…
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RATIO - ROUND ONE
DEMI - ROUND ONE
RATIO - ROUND TWO
DEMI - ROUND TWO
RATIO - ROUND THREE
DEMI - ROUND THREE
Pure GOLD! Joining forces. It was leading up to this all along. We will be destructitoirous!
Oh mercy 😂😂😂 Another stellar drop of memetic goodies. And that intro was absolute FIRE! 🔥🤌🏻😁
BTW: I thought I was going to die laughing at the one based on 'The 300' - "You can have them..." 😂🤣😂 And at least NOW we know why the chicken REALLY crossed the road 😉
Great work, you two! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻