"I'll Take 'Sentences I Never Thought I Would Say,' Alex...." (A Writing Contest)

For me, these are things I never thought I would say (and some I never thought I would hear). For you, these are writing prompts....

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Over the years, this is something that has been on my mind. And I return to it often….

After the contemporary linguistic push toward verbing so many proper nouns in our culture took hold with the Internet coming into wider usage, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about this habit in terms of the things that I would say.

I would think of this in terms of speaking to myself at age 14.

Would my 14-year-old self understand, “Just Google it?”

No, she would not.

Because, when I was 14, Google and “googling” things did not exist yet.

I would wonder, “If I said this sentence to my 14-year-old self, would she think I was having some kind of a stroke or a ‘sode or something?”

And the answer was usually YES, specifically because the thought would be so completely nonsensical to her even though the thought is so commonplace for us that we basically take it for granted.

In order for an early 1990s person to understand what I was saying in most cases, that person would require 30 years of cultural back context and linguistic remapping. Otherwise, one might perceive these language strings as stream-of-consciousness word salad, which may or may not mean anything at all without the necessary codex for understanding them.

This inclination to look at my words through this lens has returned to my consciousness recently.

I kept noticing myself scrutinizing the things I would say, often bursting into fits of laughter.

I was not scrutinizing them in terms of what I meant (because I knew what I meant), and it was not in terms of whether the receiver of the communication was understanding (because they understood and presented me with feedback in ways that made sense), but I was scrutinizing them in terms of how these idea strings would sound taken completely out of context.

After each of these codified word strings flew from my mouth, I would follow the thought with the joke, “I'll take ‘Sentences I Never Thought I Would Say,’ Alex....”

And then I started to realize how frequently I was making this stupid Jeopardy reference joke, because - let’s be honest - some of the things I say are fucking ridiculous….

So, I began collecting these….

Mainly from myself, but also from others, because I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people who also say amazing, fucking ridiculous things at times.

And this pleases me.

I thought it would be interesting to list these ridiculous sentences - first, to allow others to laugh at these; second, to consider the turn colloquial vernacular has taken in the past 30 years; and third, to put forward the idea of using these out-of-context snippets as WRITING PROMPTS.

Which made me think we should have a CONTEST….

The Rules:

• Use any or many of these collected sentences in a story or a poem that you write.

• No editing the prompts. They must remain intact.

• Post a link to the story or poem you have written in the comments of this article so I can find them and so that others may enjoy reading these too.

• This link you provide will serve as your “entry.” The link must be listed in the comments of this article below in order to qualify as an entry.

• I will read all of these and choose a winner. I am a human being. I promise nothing but my own subjectivity as a judge. It’s the best I’ve got, so it will have to do.

• You may comment as much as you like, but only enter one piece for consideration. I only have one me, so unless one of you can clone me, you are only allowed to enter once.

• The winner gets glory, bragging rights, and a free year of SFC on Substack.

• You have until January 31, 2024, to submit your entry in the comments below.

• After that, I will create another post in which I will link all of the entries and announce the winner.

And if it’s fun, we’ll do it again….

Here’s the list….

Sentences I Never Thought I Would Say

• You don't know HOW MANY TIMES I have thought, "I wish I had a ghillie suit specifically designed for walking around ABC Home in New York undetected...."

• You come up in this when she gets to the whale in reverse.

• I can't tell the days apart anymore. It's Blurrrrrrrrsday, the firsteenth of Dodecatober. Calendar makes weird noises, morphs into Bucky Ball... grows feet... runs out of frame like a Terry Gilliam animation. (This was not on my Bingo card.)

• And look how creepy these lyrics are in context. Especially when you're being taunt-serenaded by a hyperdimensional.

• The feeling isn't quite Milo in the Doldrums but it's I'm-Never-Leaving-My-Bed-Again for sure, with a small peppering of Don't-Make-Me-Because-You-Can't.

• And all of this happened regardless of giraffodils. That's how bad it is.

• Why is that a candy cane? That's an Ace of Wands.

• I think I might already be a quantum hunting glitch dreamer - I just didn't know it had a name.

• What strange pacts are you two making in the bowels of my comments section? Is this how conspiratorial stirrings used to begin in opium dens? This explains so much.

• In a cock pot, afloat at sea? Is that a cooking pot or a champagne chiller? Those are two completely different vibes.

• If I roll my eyes any harder, I'll be looking myself right in the pineal gland.

• Was that seven years? It started with Poseidon and my makeup bag.

• Don't worry. They're just trying to see how long it takes you to vomit out your insides like a sea cucumber and slink away into the darkness to regenerate. Wait... what?!

• Would you still love me if I was a spaghetti worm trapped in a straw? If we was spaghetti straw worms, would you keep me safe in your frog hovel?

• I DEMAND ZERO-G PEEP JOUSTING.

• So, basically, you're all going to make some kind of generic citrus mace, spray it in people's eyes, and tell them it's "shit." That sounds par for the course around here. Wake me up when something changes.

• Similarly, this combination would result in olfactory cacophony. Additionally, Aries is the smell of plants screaming. Even saying that feels synesthetic.

• You need to tell the ghost people this story and make them look for Dave.

• The horse sitting on itself and the cloud with the face are the stuff of NIGHTMARES.

• Oh god. Why does Cleopatra have a tail?!?!?!?!

• OK… so I’m like, “Blah blah blah fear fear blah Hegelian dialectic Hegelian dialectic blah yadda yadda blah…. wait…. WEAPONIZED BAT ANUS?!?!?”

• “Gynoconamaste… the bitch tits in Bill Gates recognize the bitch tits in the meme.”

• I just wanna watch MINE.

Sentences I Never Thought I'd Hear

• You kind of look like the Robert DeNiro of cats right here.

• I'm so glad I globulated the sunscreen on my chain powered duo wheel machine rider today, for the reverse moonshine was truly undarkened and gave rise to truly daunting pancake riding.

• The lighthouse does not go running up and down the beach.

• He's trying to cut a hole in the ocean.

• I miss when you could touch a TV and feel its fur.

• Of all of the darks, that one is the longest. But of all the darks, this is one of them. And it lasts for an amount of time. It could last forever, but then we wouldn't care. Because we'd be dead. And there would be no one left to care.

• Just thought of something. Yunno those collective nouns, like a murder of crows, or an uneasy partnership of coyotes? It popped into my head that a group of stepdads should be called a "cover band." A cover band of stepdads. That's all. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

• Played a mean didgeridoo.

• All I hear is the vaudeville chestburster calling me a SWERF.

• Herding elephants in a stone bodysuit is normal. What?

Special thanks to Alexander Ferrar, Bryan Hayashi, Cat Tron, Christopher Cook , dpl , Fuckery, Gabriel Sky, Illumi Noughty,Jim Davidson , Jules AO, Librarian of Celaeno , M, Rebecca McCann, Risteeka, SFC Chat, Stone Bryson , Taoist Sage, Teddy Lim, and What IS a name, really?