For Those Of You Considering Relocation To The Florida Free Zone
I'd Like To Explain To You A Few Things About Florida Weather
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This passage was something I wrote on September 1, 2022, based on an ongoing conversation SFC admins and subscribers were having in the chat channel regarding potential relocation to Florida and what one might expect, including the learned use of appropriate levels of deterrent which promote OUR “insanity,” urging others to stay away so that we don’t have to deal with them or THEIR insanity.
It’s a great strategy. I fully endorse it. Also, we’re nuts. Don’t come here.
The following piece came up in conversation with just now and I realized that this was only ever made available in chat and not on the site.
So, here it is.
Enjoy….
For those of you thinking about relocation to the Florida Free Zone, I'd like to explain a few things about Florida weather....
First, you have TWO seasons in Florida, not four.
Those seasons are called RAIN and NOT RAIN.
NOT RAIN occurs from December to April.
During NOT RAIN it may still rain, but it is less likely to rain than during RAIN.
During NOT RAIN there is a sub-season called JACKET WEEK.
JACKET WEEK happens sometime around February.
Half the people in Florida will constantly inform you how cold they are because it is 59F outside.
This will be obvious because these people will experience legitimate teeth chattering because they were born and raised Floridian and have zero concept of or tolerance for extremely mild cold.
The other half will be grateful for the opportunity to wear the fall clothes they keep in a box somewhere from when they used to live in New York or New Jersey.
These clothes only come out during JACKET WEEK.
Which is why it's JACKET WEEK.
JACKET WEEK is the best part of Florida weather.
RAIN occurs every year from May to November.
During RAIN, it will rain just about every day between 2 and 4 PM.
This may or may not include a thunderstorm.
This may or may not cause you to lose power for roughly an hour daily in which you will do things the rest of the country has forgotten how to do, like read a book.
I highly recommend this read a book thing. It's fantastic.
During RAIN, you will need to do a thing that all Floridians know how to do called "hurricane preparedness."
This means you will need to buy a lot of bottled water and snacks that you would never otherwise eat because they're disgusting but do not require cooking/power/heat in order to prepare or can be prepared on top of a propane grill.
You will usually eat these snacks before the end of RAIN without having experienced a hurricane, making excuses that they would otherwise have gone bad if you didn't consume them but really you're just in denial that you like to have an excuse to eat a bunch of junk food once a year.
You can stop denying it. We all know anyway.
During RAIN, there is a period of time between July and September which doesn't exist.
That period of time which is marked by terribly oppressive heat and humidity is called NOPE.
During NOPE, the best thing you can do is to avoid going to the outside place in favor of remaining in the air conditioning in the inside place at all times.
During NOPE, which doesn't exist, the outside place also ceases to exist with varying degrees of success depending upon how good you are at getting out of "obligations" (read: things you have only done to yourself) which, in a perfect world, should never exist anyway.
If the outside place is persistent about asserting its existence, you will need to learn to quickly go from the building inside place to the car inside place to the building inside place in order to limit exposure to the outside place's annoyingly persistent existence as much as possible.
Should the outside place continue to assert itself, my advice would be to remove "obligations" from your life entirely until the end of NOPE at which time the heat and humidity will be less oppressive and so the outside place can exist again without generating well-deserved denial or complaint regarding the persistence of its existence.
Congratulations, relocation decision maker! Now you understand Florida weather! 😃
And with that, celebration is in order! This year's NOPE has ceased to exist!
Happy first day of September, everyone!
As a south Florida guy I completely agree with all this! And NOPE gets worse as you get older. It’s exactly the same thing as 10 degrees and freezing rain. So stay away Yankee trash! Plus the alligators love liberal Yankees. Plus we’re all crazy meth addicted racist who love Trump, and hate anything north of Atlanta, exclusive of Atlanta proper, which we also hate. Plus mosquitos will suck your blood down to levels of you passing out. Plus, as you Yankees love to tell us, there’s no fall and the leaves don’t change colors. Well we can tell fall cause all the license plates change colors and we can’t get into any of our favorite restaurants and it takes us twice as long to get to work.
I love it I’m sadly in California don’t let none of my other Californians in I’m surrounded by idiots